Today is my second to last day as a mom of one. The last 21 months have been the best of my life. By far. Without a doubt. 100%. The best. There were so many challenges, things that I could have let break me, scare me, overwhelm me, and at times that was the case. But, overall the best 21 months of my life. Clearly the reason was that I became a mother and I have never felt more comfortable in any other “role.”
See, I wasn’t always very “together” — let’s be honest. I was insecure, scared, lonely and stoned for a huge portion of my life. I probably mocked moms who shopped Old Navy for good deals and contemplated not to give their kids dairy or send them to public schools or whatever. I was so far removed from any of that. I couldn’t possibly understand yet what all the mama hoopla was about. It really wasn’t until my godson Riff was born that I felt like I was someone’s protector. That I wanted to nurture them and be held accountable for my actions around them. Riff prepared me for the love and understanding of what it was to create a person and never be able to put your own selfish wants and needs before your babies. He was my portal into motherhood.
When my son Mason was born, it was like everything I was “supposed” to be in my life didn’t matter anymore. Deep down I didn’t need an exterior persona or job to make me whole anymore, at least not in the HOLLYWOOD way I was used to. I just was his mom. I became so much more grounded in who I was. I could finally stop having to try to be someone, something. That initial search was over.
I am about to have a baby AND I have a toddler. I am planning to release an album this summer, I’m excited to get back to songwriting and the gym and this new clearly insane schedule. I won’t sleep (not that I do anyway — it’s 3:41am). I will worry. I will write blogs and pitch TV shows and make dinner and spend time with my husband; I will play gigs and go out on occasion — let’s be real, on SPECIAL occasion. I want to try new things and go new places. I don’t want to disappear under a mountain of diapers, puke and breastmilk. I mean, for a while I will, but not forever.
I have learned that I am so beyond lucky to have this opportunity right now. Because being this. And doing this. And accepting this for what it is has literally forced me to KNOW exactly who I am. Somehow accepting the insanity of motherhood has allowed me to let go of the panic of BEING SOMEONE. It’s allowed me to just be. I truly believe that is when everything falls into place and becomes reality. Beauty in chaos. Full acceptance.
So. As I march into this new chapter I will take millions of deep breaths, I will remember that I still have a baby even though I’m having another, I will remember who I am and how I want my kids to see me, I will MAJORLY fail and EPICALLY thrive. And it will all just be ok. Because I know I have been given this job for a reason and I will not ever forget what that reason is.